(this is) durkin.org

My wife and I were the first of our group of close friends to have children. In many ways, this is a good thing, but it was also very scary. We didn’t have many friends to ask questions of - the stupid questions that you know are stupid but that you want to ask anyway but don’t want to look foolish because maybe they’ll report you and take the baby because you are too stupid to have a baby. Fortunately, we did each have a couple of people to turn to with questions or for advice, and we both did a great deal of reading and watching baby-related television.

Charlie, my best friend from high school and freshman college roommate, lives in Pittsburgh or something like that now, and has two children. When he found out that we were expecting, he sent me some very good advice. I have since added to and forwarded this advice to other fathers-to-be, in the hopes that it will assist them as much as it did me.

And I thought I’d share it with you, too.

To [Insert Father-To-Be's Name Here]: hmmm…cliché, cliché…no, no sense bullshitting an old friend… It’s hard to say which is worse, the last four months of pregnancy or the first four months of infancy. Both pale in comparison to the last four months of pregnancy with a toddler in the house, but by then you’re kind of numb to it. Learn from my mistakes:

• The time when you think you’re being supportive and caring enough is the time when you’re in the most peril. If you ever get that self-satisfied glow and think ‘yeah, I’m being a good husband’, run, don’t walk to the phone, order flowers, take the rest of the day off and spend it doing stuff for your wife.

• Buy some Tums. Like a case of the stuff. Don’t mention that you’re doing this, just have it on hand for that first brutal case of all-night heartburn.
• Make sure there are straws in the house after the baby is born. Breastfeeding makes you thirsty, and trying to pour water into your wife’s mouth while a little person figures out the difference between sucking and chomping is best left inexperienced.
• Those ridiculously expensive glider rockers at Babies’R'Us are worth every penny. Get the ottoman, too.
• Diaper genies are a pain in the ass. Your house is going to smell terrible no matter what you do, just use the garbage can.
• I don’t know if [Insert Mother-To-Be's Name Here] works/plans on working, but if she does, and she’s breastfeeding, you will need a Medela breast pump. Everything else we tried is crap. Some people buy, some people rent, but everyone we talked do raved about the Medela brand. (Not the beer, either.)
• It’s all worth it. Every sleepless, strung out, stinky, screaming moment. It gets better, and it’s worth it.
• If she’s sick and food makes it worse - NEVER suggest food by type. Just say - “Can I get you some dinner?” NEVER “Would you like Italian for dinner?” Invariably, the thing I suggested only made her sicker.
• When she gets angry or frustrated or upset for no reason that you can see, and you start to get frustrated in return - remember, she’s got six million different kinds of hormones running around insider her, and she’s really not all that in control of her emotions. Be nice.
• Learn to give good foot rubs and learn to like it. Also learn about lower-back rubs (and remember they are not necessarily foreplay).

Suggested Reading:
For Father’s-To-Be, there really is not a ton of quality work out there. And really, what is there to say? “Your life is about to change in ways you cannot possibly imagine. You cannot get ready for this, nor are you ready now, though you think you might be. Be nice to your partner, take care of her, help her when she needs it, listen to her, be thoughtful and loving. Don’t complain about not being involved if you can’t remember to go to her doctor’s appointments with her. This is the most wonderful thing that will ever happen to you”. Huh, maybe that’s the preface to my new book…

Anyway, suggested reading:

• The Expectant Father. Truth be told, not my favorite book. There is good information here, so I recommend it as a starting point, but overall I thought it a bit whinny.

• The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy. I know its the Girlfriends’ Guide and all, but this is a must. Its funny and absolutely dead on.
• What to Expect When You Are Expecting. The encyclopedia of pregnancy.
• From The Morning News, Roundtable: New Fathers. This was written well after my son was born, but I found it recently and found it to be an honest look. Has links to more.